Wednesday, January 29, 2014

"there is no mountain i’ve found here that i can move.."

when it rains, it pours. i am barely holding my life together with both hands. my SSI income is just barely enough to cover my rent with enough left over for a coffee or two if im lucky. and today i received a letter from my landlord stating that there will be a 4% increase in my rent. because clearly i'm not already paying far more per month than this tiny, cramped apartment with a multitude of shady neighbors moving in, no handicapped parking, and a flight of steps that seems to get longer every time i have to climb it.

i haven't gotten my tuition refund yet so i went to student accounting on tuesday to ask why. they screwed up and something was checked off as full time even though i'm half time JUST LIKE LAST SEMESTER, and even though my tuition bill and financial aid letter were completely in line with half-time. i was expecting this money *last week*. i said, how long until its disbursed to my bank account? she goes, 3-4 days. i'm like.. my bills are already overdue.. i've got a shutoff notice on my electric cause i'm a month behind.. her response? "start calling family." i just looked at her for a minute and then said "i don't have any." because that's much simpler than explaining that my family is poor too. that i'm not like these 18 year old kids who can just pick up a phone and have a wire transfer in ten minutes. do you not think that i thought of asking my family already? i've cost my grandmother enough money because of my shitty health.. and even she doesn't understand exactly how much all the OTC things i need cost. there's all sorts of things that i need or have needed that insurance won't cover. she wanted to know why i had to buy my walker out of pocket. well, i have no reflexive response in my left leg and both legs frequently buckle while walking. but we don't know why yet. of course everyone suspects mitochondrial disease, but it's not an official diagnosis. and nothing else that i'm diagnosed with at this point is justification in medicare's eyes for a walker. i take benedryl very often to help with my allergies and nausea. it works fantastic and it's much more gentle than any prescription allergy med i could take.. but it means i have to buy it myself. tegaderms for my pain patches. adult diapers. organizational shelving baskets and drawers to organize the insane amount of medical supplies i have as well as keeping dangerous things out of reach of my very curious cats.

how nice it must be, for people who can just ring up mommy or daddy every time they need money. when i ring up my grandmother for something it means *she has to go without* so i simply don't do it unless its a serious necessity. my grandmother has spent her entire life sacrificing for this family and i am shouldering a tremendous weight every single day of my life over how much i'm costing her financially, and how much i am costing my entire family
(not to mention everyone else in my life as well) emotionally and mentally. before i got so sick i had a handle on things for the most part. after i managed to beat back all the false diagnoses (including bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and dissociative identity disorder) and get off the 17 psych meds i was on, and i was finally a functioning human being. six years of my life are *blank*--i simply dont remember them thanks to all the medications i was on simply because nobody considered the idea that i might be autistic until well into adulthood. i was officially diagnosed with asperger syndrome about two years ago and the only psychiatric medication i take is something for anxiety now. i've made huge strides and i turned my life around. i worked hard to get myself on a positive trajectory, to become a person who accomplished things. a person who mattered.

and now everything is broken. it's all falling apart. i can't survive on my own, and all i am doing is causing the people i love pain and suffering. i cannot think of a single person who wouldn't be at least slightly better off if i ceased to exist. all i do is cost money and cause worry. i'm a walking breathing human shaped burden and i hate myself for it.

my grandmother. my mother. my sister. my brother. my aunts and uncles. my cousins. my friends. i *cost* everyone in my life in one way or another. i don't understand how something so worthless can cost so very much. but everyone would be better off if i got hit by a truck tomorrow. people would grieve and then move on with their lives just like everyone does when someone dies. world keeps spinning, life goes on. i wish i had it in me to remove myself from the equation, but i dont. so ill just keep on going and infecting everyone around me like the plague, and sitting here uselessly while they suffer.