Thursday, November 28, 2013

thankful.

i have so much to be thankful for this year.

first, i want to say that above everything else i am thankful for the ENDLESS kindness i have been shown. i cannot even begin to name all of the people who have selflessly helped me, sent me supplies, stayed up late talking to me, guided me through this maze of illness, sent cards, gifts, made things for me. in most cases these amazing things have come from people i have never met in person. in some, it has come from people i have never even talked to. i am absolutely blown away by the outpouring of love, of time, of energy and kindness that i've experienced, not just this year but througout my life. every time i have fallen down or seen myself stumbling, someone has stepped to my side and taken my arm and helped me up. especially since i have been here in new jersey, essentially alone and a thousand miles from my family.

"I am calling from a payphone,
twenty three hundred miles away.
Bad things I can not even say.
If not for the kindness of strangers,
I would not be alive today."
- Bif Naked, Story of My Life



which brings me to major point #2---my family. you are all insane, every one of you. you are crazy people. i come from a long line of nutjobs. but my god, how much i love you all. i see so many people who have been rejected by their families, or had no choice but to reject their families. people whose families aren't involved or simply dont care. and every day i am thankful that as batcrap crazy as you all are, you're always here for me. i always know in a crisis that my family will step up, no matter what else is going on, and pull my butt out of the fire. i love you all--whether we share blood or don't, i know that we share love which is a much stronger bond anyway.

i am thankful for j. i wouldn't be alive right now if it wasn't for her, and i don't mean that figuratively. for the past 13+ years she has been at my side, holding my hand and keeping my head above water.

i am thankful for every last one of you reading this right now. i am thankful for my best friends, i am thankful for my friends, i am thankful for every one of you--my LJers, my GTLers, my former-TAA'ers, my whedon-ers, and everyone in between.

and now the smaller things i am thankful for:
- that i live in a time where i don't have to die because modern medicine has designed tubes and bags and formulas and medications that keep me alive, even if i'm not always functioning at the higher levels.
- that i have a medical team that honestly cares about me and wants to help.
- that i have the opportunity to go to school and that i am able to get the accomodtions i need to make this possible.
- i am thankful for marinol. as much as i hate feeling stupid, marinol has enabled me to eat small amounts of certain foods by mouth and kept me off TPN when things were at their worst.
- i am thankful that i am slowly finding what works for me and becoming able to spend less of my life focused on my medical situation.
- i am thankful for the three beautiful loving cats that are currently cuddled up to me trying to stay warm, even if occasionally they are furry little abominations who drive me nuts.
- i am thankful that despite the abuse i heap onto it and the fact that i am well overdue for an oil change, my car---which is solely responsible for my personal freedom--has held up.
- i am thankful for all of the little things in life that make me happy--dinosaurs, sara bareilles, hunger games, harry potter, john green, francesca lia block, joss whedon, jennifer lawrence, west wing, super soft cuddly things, sunsets, my favorite books and authors, my favorite comfy sweatpants.

and finally, i am thankful that i was lucky enough to know laura kostecki-howe, shea heribacka, haley stonehocker, joe 'koker' kayes, and shane cornwell. i carry you all in my heart every day, and i miss you all every day. sometimes the pain is overwhelming, but i try to remember how lucky i am to have known you, and that none of you are in pain anymore, and i try to let that comfort me. i miss you all, and i hope that somewhere out in the universe you're all there, waiting for our friends who are not doing so well, and waiting for me someday. keeping an eye on rontu, fiver, annabel lee, sweet j, christopher, and all the other furry family members that are no longer here.

my life is complicated, and sometimes it feels like its too much for me to handle. a lot of the time i am scared about what my future holds. but i am still here. i am still fighting. i am still screaming for a cure for all of us, every last one of us.

and i won't ever, ever stop.